Throughout my detox I was barely out of the place, having needles and tubes stuck into various parts of my anatomy, or having my feet pushed and pummelled to the point of pain by Tomlinson, who uses reflexology to help things on their way. Then, in the third week, and just when I was beginning to feel almost human again, I was booked in for colonic irrigation. I still have no idea what it contained.Two days in and I felt like.. I WAS GOING TO DIE. I had a thumping headache (caffeine withdrawal), felt sick (entirely normal) and exhausted (ditto) I couldn't concentrate, and my skin had never been so bad. Tomlinson was delighted to hear of any malaise - it meant that the programme was working - and sent me for acupuncture. Then there were supplements: multivitamins (to make sure I didn't miss out on nutrients), starflower oil (a fatty acid that aids weight loss and boosts energy), fish oil (more good fat), milk thistle (to encourage the liver to detox the body), chromium polynicotinate (to stabilise blood sugars and reduce hunger pangs), L-carnitine (a fat-burning amino acid) and "Max's herbs".

Trust is an essential part of any detox, I quickly realised: I dutifully dropped a teaspoon of nasty-smelling brown liquid into my water three times a day before meals for six weeks. I was advised - more like instructed - to drink freshly pressed fruit and vegetable juice, again as much as I liked. Most canned, packaged or frozen vegetables and fruit, jellies, sweets, chocolate, crisps, ice cream, coffee, tea, alcohol, cocoa and sulphured dried fruits were not to be recommended. Basically, packaged goods or any foods or drinks with preservatives, colourings and flavourings were poison.

I duly threw the entire contents of my kitchen into the bin and wondered what to eat next.I was allowed as much organic salad, lightly steamed vegetables and fruit, beans, brown rice, fish and eggs as I could eat. White bread, white rice or other processed cereals, pies, cakes, pastries, salt or any other condiment such as tomato ketchup or mayonnaise were all strictly off-limits, as were commercial breakfast cereals, soft drinks or other drinks that were not just pure fruit and freshly squeezed. Yeasted and sugary foods were best left out: no Marmite, pickles, beer, champagne, fizzy drinks, mushrooms, bruised fruit, old jams, vinegar or ferments like tamari, miso or soy sauce, sugar, honey, malt, molasses, maple syrup, sucrose, dextrose, maltose, glucose and so forth.I would not be eating animal fats, cooked oils, margarine and butter, peanut butter, diet drinks or products sweetened with artificial sweeteners. "It takes time and effort but has a sound, rational, naturopathic basis. "A sign of detox is bowel motions that are particularly offensive." It occurred to me that most people would be loath to pay for a service like this one, but it was early days.