If two of them from rival teams ever meet, the roads are effectively closed for days until a Premier League referee can be located to force one of them to back up.I don't mind footballers setting a bad example to the nation's youth by swearing, spitting and fighting on the pitch, but I do object vehemently to the appalling example they are setting by driving such a terrible, ugly, antisocial piece of automotive junk as the Lincoln Navigator.I do wonder sometimes if, apart from being El Haj Diouf, there is ever a legitimate reason for a person to have a personalised numberplate on their car.I think that there's never an excuse for having something that spells out your name or anything crass like that, but I can see why somebody might like a non-dating plate From time to time I have been tempted to get one myself. So if he didn't have his own distinctive numberplate El Haj would probably have as much trouble finding his ride in the training-ground car-park as he did finding the goal when he was playing for Liverpool.If you drive, as I do, on the country roads around Southport, where a lot of the north-west's footballers live, then you find that, these days, they are effectively single track because of the huge number of these fuel-inefficient behemoths trundling around. It didn't take much to figure out that this leviathan belonged to the ex-Liverpool FC, now Bolton, player El Haj Diouf who, though he's now plying his trade further up the M62, has chosen to continue living in Liverpool. Now, normally, I despise those who have personalised numberplates, but in El Haj Diouf's case you could say it was a necessity since its a fact that, because they are such herd animals, every single footballer in the Premier League drives a black Lincoln Navigator. The cause of this disruption wasn't the apocalypse, but its close cousin, a giant American Sports Utility Vehicle (SUV) - in this case a black Lincoln Navigator sporting the personalised numberplate "DIOUFI".

I was in Liverpool a couple of weeks ago, taking my mum to the local Tesco, and, just as I was pulling out onto the main road, the sky suddenly went dark, birds took flight in fear and a terrible rumbling filled my ears. Roomy and good fun to drive, optional DSG sequential gearbox has brilliant auto mode. FORD FOCUS 2.0 TDCI ZETEC, £16,745 Same engine as the C4, slightly lower price, handles with the Civic's precision but rides better Styling is unremarkable, interior is deeply unimaginative.. Comfortable, well-equipped, but slower and dearer than Honda. VOLKSWAGEN GOLF 2.0 TDI GT, £17,820 Looks great in a Golfish way, is well made and lively but surprisingly noisy. I'm lukewarm about the petrol versions, but right now the Civic i-CDTi diesel is my favourite mid-size hatchback of all It's also surprising value Seldom does such a fresh wind blow. The rivals CITROEN C4 2.0 HDI VTR PLUS, £17,195 Radical outside and in, like the Civic, with a stationary switch panel within the steering wheel.

Customers may also not like the over-complex model range which includes both SE and ES trim levels, but they can't fail to be captivated by the Civic's futuristic boldness. Its sequential manual mode works quite well, with shift-paddles on the steering wheel, but the auto mode is full of pauses and surges Customers won't like it. It's acceptable in the diesel, but a drive in the 1.8 petrol Civic is an agitation too far. This version feels disappointingly sluggish, too, and suffers from too much noise when worked hard and a too-abrupt accelerator response. Strangely, given Honda's rather senior customer base to date, there's no proper automatic option. Instead, those who crave automation must buy a 1.8 i-Shift, a "robotised manual" like an Alfa Selespeed or a Vauxhall Easytronic. The suspension is set sportingly firm, probably too firm for Britain's disintegrating roads, and certain transverse ridges bring on quite a jolt.