I can tell you that both the RSPCA and the Cat Protection League speak for the teddy bear. And, as you continue to grapple every waking moment with the rights and wrongs of the morality business, the Captain invites you to ponder on the following: should misbehaving pupils be excluded from morality lessons? Don't write to me, though: write to Nigel De Gruchy, Mr Major, Mr Blair, Nick Ross, and Reg.No matter how caring a society, there will always be gaps in the safety net, needs to be identified, causes to be taken up. One of the many examples of what he means comes in his fond reminiscence of the famous Jack Spot, who once underpaid him for a bit of business: "Many years later Jack opened a club in the West End of London and I arranged for someone to set fire to it." Thanks again, Reg.Thought For The Week With Captain Moonlight. Mr Kray's inspiring work, Villains We Have Known, features friends of his with names such as One-Armed Lou.

"During the Fifties and Sixties," writes Reg, "these people were of a minority, and had strong moral codes and ethics of their own standard, and violence was kept within their own jungle, but today criminal boundaries have spilled out to national proportions, hence the lack of morals we see today." Thank you, Reg. What can it all mean? Over to you, Liz!Rather a lot about morals at the moment, isn't there? Which is why I am happy to bring to you a contribution to the debate from that titan in the field, Mr Reg Kray, the murderer. The other day, in an editorial meeting, an executive was describing a potential story for the newspaper which involved nipples. But every time the word "nipples" was mentioned, Dominic placed his hands over his ears and shouted "Don't mention that word!".

The arrival of Ms Hurley, as it happens, is timely, since some of us are rather worried about the Hon Dominic Lawson, the man currently at the helm, son of Lord Nigel (and the fastest swallower of a creme caramel currently on the lunch circuit). Oi!Hot news from the soaraway Sunday Telegraph, the voice of the grumpy classes: rejoice, press the tweeds, Elizabeth Hurley is to be guest editor! Sources at the newspaper, clearly dismayed that the Captain is on to their little game, insist on denying it; but what other possible construction could be put on the presence of Ms Hurley in its offices last week? Exactly. The son, a trifle disappointed, asked what it was, to be told: "Action Man Deserter". It is a clever illustration of one of my favourite jokes, told by a Northern comedian, but exactly which one I now forget, who announced that he had given just such an empty box to his son for Christmas. Next: the total weight of all the Action Men ever sold is roughly equivalent to the weight of 2,500 African elephants More? Well, perhaps you're right But I must tell you about that picture. Did you know that the total number of Action Men sold exceeds the entire population of the British Isles? You didn't? Do try to keep up with popular culture I do my best, but you've got to help as well.

Anyway, the Serjeant, Mr Peter Jennings, is now considering a crackdown on journalists who don't sit up straight in the gallery and who snigger behind their hands. He'll be closing the place down and going on strike next. Now then Action Man was 30 years old last week. I must remember not to take my Bruce Lee Super Avenger 18in combat knife with me next time I visit. Historical resonance for security, man with beard found with wick near barrel in the basement, that sort of thing. What on earth is going on down there? Must be the time of year.