Guarding a 2-1 deficit from the first home leg, manager Sir Ron had to throw men forward in attack, throw men backwards in defence, throw men sideways in despair and throw a piece of pizza at his team in the half-time pep talk."Did I throw a piece of pizza?" said Sir Ron, when I asked him afterwards if he had thrown a piece of pizza "Aye, mebbe I did, and mebbe I didn't, right enough Any other questions, laddie?"Yes. No se vale."Is there any truth they exchanged words in the tunnel after the first leg?"No Not words Blows, yes Not words I do not waste my words on this Slovakian pygmy But when he threaten me, then yes, I defend myself God gave me a knife to defend myself, so I go for him Then he pulls a gun I bring out my Mace spray. Meanwhile, the Midland maestros, M1 Wanderers, faced an enormous test of character in their tussle against the German giant-killers, Bayern Lederhosen, for whom the Brazilian star Donaldini was always going to be the main threat. Then we are separated by security people, because otherwise I kill him But hate him? No Never. I let my team talk for me."And talk they did, inflicting a magnificent 0-0 no-score draw on their hapless rivals, going through to the next round on the away fouls rule.

What was the question? And what was the language?"The question in English was, do you think you can do it against Real, and do you really hate their Slovak manager, Rent Waldo?"I do not hate him," shrugs Gesualdo, the first manager in modern football to adopt a single name "I spit on his grave I spit on his mother's grave If his mother is alive, I spit on her personally But I do not hate him It is not worth the time. I have done so many interviews today I do not know which language I am in. But it also has a duty to allow people to be different, not to be part of the ebullient RND club, and who might want to support charitable causes quietly without wearing anything red and plastic.Or will the BBC set aside £1 from every licence fee it receives next year, covered by making a few cuts in the fees they pay their senior staff and management consultants, to fund a range of charities, not just those ones approved by Comic Relief? Perhaps they could re-allocate the £1m they are said to be spending on re-launching Radio Times, and cut back on all those annoying on-screen trailers promoting themselves telling us they make sports programmes and so on That would get the money rolling in More from Janet Street-Porter. But supporting those less fortunate than ourselves has been hijacked by Comic Relief and turned into a grisly team effort, directed at exactly the people who will be digging into their pockets anyway because they always do.I put it to Dawn, Lenny and their mates that they should stop shouting the same message at us, funded by the licence fee, and focus their attention on the fat cats in business who give so very little.

When I appeared in I'm a Celebrity ..., a proportion of all the money raised by phone voting for me was sent to a charity of my choice, raising almost £90,000. I regularly give money to charity when I want, in private, without sticking a ribbon on my lapel or a bit of string around my wrist. Of course the BBC has a remit to unite the nation, produce programming that reflects common interests, raises our spirits and celebrates our diversity. There's nought wrong with a free appearance in front of 10 million viewers on our most widely watched TV channel - it's a win-win situation. You help a good cause and your record mysteriously edges up the charts.This isn't sour grapes; television is simply the most powerful medium there is. What about Tesco's donation of £100,000? They made over £2bn pre-tax profits in the year to February 2005, and now receive £1 out of every £8 spent in British shops, controlling 29 per cent of the grocery market. I don't think their donation reflected that level of wealth at all.Another high-street fixture, Abbey National, made £273m profit in the year to last February - and I fully expect to see them proudly donating a measly sum to this year's RND appeal, along with Marks and Spencer, Sainsbury's and Asda - and I promise you it will be something less than the bonuses they pay their CEOs and certainly short of the profits they make in a single day.The enthusiastic participants in Comic Relief are performers and singers with brands to maintain, records, DVDs and books to sell, profiles to keep polished.

All those BBC guidelines on logos and on-screen branding will be mysteriously relaxed in the name of charidee. But of course the people who will be giving the most time and money to Comic Relief over the coming day or two will be the people who can least afford it, well-meaning ordinary men and women, and parents driven to distraction by the pester power of their children fuelled by weeks of BBC harassment.Let's remember the tsunami appeal. Likewise, the pitiful £1m donated by the Premier League cost each club £50,000 - less than a week's wages for any of the top players. As the columnist Jonathan Freeland pointed out, when Vodaphone donated £1m, they were actually giving less than an hour's profit out of the astonishing £10bn they amassed in the year up to May 2004.